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God,
This is me. Again. Void. I’m sure You know what’s in my mind, what has been burdening me for years. Seeing me now, You might think I’m going to quit. Please don’t be disappointed. Let me assure You, this is not a farewell nor a runaway. There can never be any, because either way I can never escape from You.

God, whoever You are,
Here I am, an empty little dot, very frightened of what it is about to tell You. There’s no proper way to say this, but I found myself so weary of seeking after You. It feels like I can always manage to find You anywhere but hopelessly distracted in understanding a single perfect religion to match You. If You are to be found in a certain religion, then the religion is big enough to contain You, thus it makes You smaller. It’s so weird. It’s not right. You’re everywhere, yet nowhere at once. Endlessly misunderstood. Loving You alone is an exhausting circular effort. Searching You, scanning You, meeting You, cleaning You, loosing You, searching You. Hhh. So I’m going to take my walk now, and whenever You want us to meet, You may instead seek after me. It’s Your turn to find me.

God, wherever You are,
I’m leaving this place because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to want. I shall put everything I knew behind. Departed. My mind can no longer bear any more understanding. My existence may explode at any time, I should stop thinking. I give up wanting those things. I have released them all to Your sky. If I may untie another balloon of wish, here is the last big one: I just want my soul back, the way You gave me once before I was 22.

God, whatever You do,
Please understand. In here I’m stranded. I am not who I am. I keep losing myself, my world, my being. It forces me into thinking that I’m living a stranger’s life for something I cannot comprehend, and it’s almost nothing. I am away apart from my soul. So I give in. This is my state of surrendering. I’ve had enough fighting within me. I need to love I, and combat none. I need to make peace with myself. For good. Peace is the only thing You teach me to seek in and out. This time, I am seeking peace outside, since my inside has turned into a deep hollow. This time, I’m taking courage with me to eventually be merged with You, for something named self. Home.

God, the only God,
I am now at point zero with nothing in hand. This is my reborn. Smile for me, God, for this altering moment is indeed exciting as much as it is relieving. There’s a vague space ahead of me, of course. I really don’t have any idea on what kind of doors I will be entering, but I’m urged to leave this wrecked room and close its broken door immediately. Things will never be the same again starting today. From now on, I only hope that You will somehow give me the grace of grasping Your will by finding mine. Bismillah.